Cats in the Cradle
Harry Chapin
I've never been "the perfect father." Work always came first in my life. I was good at work, good at numbers, good at telling other people what to do. I only did what I was good at.
My son Will grew up while I was at the office. I missed his first steps, his baseball games, his high school graduation even. But he didn't seem to mind. All he ever said was, "Dad, I'm gonna be just like you!"
I always thought I could make up for lost time when I retired. I could be the loving father as soon as money stopped being an issue, I said to myself. Now I'm there. My time to be a father is now, or so I thought. It's much harder than I realized. Will's got his own family now. He doesn't have time for his "old man."
As I sit in bed, I think about what I could've done differently as a father. It wouldn't have taken much effort, just a game of catch here and an ice cream cone there. But if I had done those things, my son would be with me right now. I wouldn't be dying alone.
Too bad I can't pick up the phone and call him. After all, the hospital's only 3 blocks away from his house. But 3 blocks is too much to ask from a boy who grew up without a father.
Dear Ms. Hamilton,
ReplyDeleteI feel that your Piece follows the theme of the song well. However, I feel that your word choice--though effective in conveying the sorrowful loss of time--would be more effective if it were more descriptive and diverse. Perhaps adding words of extreme emotion, such as 'longing,' 'mournfully,' or 'penetrating remembrance' to more completely express the mood of your adaptation.
This is such a sad story. In real life, there are so many children who are forced to live their lives without one of their parents. My heart goes out to them. I loved your concluding paragraph that "wrapped it all up". It really showed how strong the father's feelings about the situation were. Great job.
ReplyDeleteGood job Allie. I really like this song and you did a good job capturing the tone. Full of regret and self-doubt. As a father, I am especially affected by this story. I wonder if I spend enough time with my kids. I think about my own relationship with my dad (who moved away when I was 8). How do we reconcile our broken relationships?
ReplyDeleteI like that you told this from the father's point of view and didn't even introduce the son into the story. I wondered how you could capture the passage of time in a 500-word story. And having the father reflect on his life from a hospital room worked wonderfully.
One suggestion would be to inform the reader that the guy is in the hospital sooner. Maybe it opens with a narrator describing the scene. This old man, alone, in a dark hospital room. Then switch to the old man's point of view.
Your story was sweet and simple. i love the ending when you said "but 2 blocks is too much to ask from a boy who grew up without a father." a good way to end the story and leave a lasting impression on your readers.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you made it like the father's mind was the story we were reading, I felt like I was looking right into it. This made it so much easier to pick up on the emotion of the piece. I think that this could be expressed even more accurately if your piece looked like it came out of his mind. All your paragraphs are full, which is good - don't get me wrong - but that's not how people think, you know?
ReplyDeleteI liked your story thought you did a great job on capturing the emotion. Would have liked maybe more about the relationship of son and father.
ReplyDeletei really like this story, it caught my eye during the blurbs assignment. you did a really good job capturing the emotion that was going on. he really did become like his daddy. i bet he'll raise his kids differently. or so we hope.
ReplyDeleteI liked the song choice. Your writing seemed very real to me. I could capture the real emotions that the man in the story was feeling. One thing i noticed were some grammatical errors. Other than that, i enjoyed thsi writing a lot, it caught my attentions. Excellent work.
ReplyDeleteBurgundy.